Overcome any obstacle and discover your purpose, passion and potential..
The most basic question everyone faces at some point in their life is:
“Why am I here? What is my purpose?”
“The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
There are 1.3m results on google to Discover Your Purpose, 1.8 million books on Purpose and 461k listings on Purpose-Driven Businesses. Why has the desire to work for a purpose-driven business and live our life based on purpose become so important?
We're in an era that demands the transformation of oneself to navigate disruption, lead with compassion and achieve our goals - where putting ‘people’ before profit is considered the source to performance.
So, what’s going on that so many of us are not quite getting it right - is it that we’re just at the beginning of our change journey and there’s still something to be discovered?
A survey by PwC discovered that 79% of business leaders believe that an organisation’s purpose is central to business success, yet 68% shared that purpose is not used as a guidepost in leadership decision making processes within their organisation. Interesting?
According to the same study, millennials who have a strong connection to purpose are 5.3 times more likely to stay, but the vast majority still remain disengaged and only 33% draw real meaning from their purpose. Interesting?
So, what’s the problem?
The gap between what we believe our purpose to be and what our actions suggest our purpose is.
Let’s put this in perspective and see how it looks in our own life.
What is your purpose - what are your values and strengths and how do you connect with others? Are your actions consistent with what you say you want? Can you authentically say that your thoughts, feelings and actions are consistent with your purpose?
My story …
I’m very good at creating a compelling vision, setting goals and achieving them; but as for my actions being consistent with my values - well, let’s just say that’s an interesting and infinite journey of self-discovery.
What I do know for sure is that it wasn’t until I had kids and found myself stuck between desperately wanting to stay in a job I loved and feeling obligated to be at home that I really discovered what it takes to be in action and pursue our passion no matter what shows up.
It was April 2010, I had three kids in the space of three years and without flexible options for senior leaders, I was relegated to a part-time role where I had no team and was now officially an ‘outsider’. Within months I was frustrated, bored and (if I’m really exposed and honest) resentful.
Despite putting on the ‘just get on with it’ attitude, I was now one of the 85% of people unhappy in their job. I stuck at it for three years while doing the work to rewrite my future - worked on my values and strengths, updated my resume with all my accomplishments, went back to uni for post-grad studies, got a coach and signed up a mentor as part of my transition into change management.
I started a mentoring group for women who were dealing with the same frustrations; and it was going well. That was until March 5 2014 when I got the devastating news that a colleague, and friend, lost his life to suicide. He was in his 40s and had two kids. That same day, my son’s 7th birthday, my husband's business went into administration and we were at risk of losing our home.
It sounds crazy, but despite it being one of the most challenging times of my life, it was during this period I discovered a sense of fulfilment and freedom I’d never previously experienced.
That year, I launched a mentoring organisation for women, I left my high-paying salary to start a business, and I travelled internationally as one of 38 leaders facilitating one of the world’s leading programs in transformational leadership and communication.
All of a sudden, I was on fire!
It wasn’t easy, but (as it turns out, when you have the right structures) it was surprisingly simple.
I came out of that experience recognising that “as with any crisis, there’s always a valuable lesson to be learnt”. The key is to learn that lesson while you’re in the fire, not when out the other side and burnt to a crisp.
I am reminded of that lesson again this week, specifically of the importance of being clear about our purpose and having the right resources in place to navigate complexity and take action consistent with what we say we want.
Psychologists have been studying how long-term, meaningful goals that change the lives of others help to foster a sense of purpose and (perhaps more importantly) play a crucial role in our mental and physical health and wellbeing.
While I was “on fire” (mentally) I wasn’t taking care of myself physically - thinking I could eat pretty much what I wanted, drink alcohol and burn the candle at both ends pursuing my purpose - until I got a rude shock in August 2015 and was diagnosed with an auto-immune condition.
Forced into lockdown, I put everything on hold to rebuild my physical and mental wellbeing - a year of appointments with specialists, acupuncture, kinesiology, yoga, going to the gym, cleaning up my diet and (after years of talking about it, finally starting) meditation - you name it, I did it!
“I thought having kids is tough, this (feeling like you’ve got no control) is much worse”
I was doing pretty good, until August 2107 (we never forget the days that alter our life) after a 12 hour day facilitating my first workshop since taking time off. I came home and discovered nothing had been done around the house. Nothing out the ordinary given I’d been at home the last year and was doing it all.
Accept this time, I was too exhausted to sort it out and quite frankly given I’d worked all day I thought, “it’s not my job to to pick up after everyone else”.
Two days later I bumped into a friend who was planning a trip to New York. I couldn’t jump in quick enough. Within 2 weeks, we were on a flight heading to New York - I WAS OUT OF THERE!
Ten days without anyone else to worry about - no-one nagging me to organise dinner, no-one nagging me about what was for breakfast or lunch, no-one nagging me about the mess in the house; I can eat what I want, do what I want and I don’t have to worry about compromising to satisfy anyone else!
It was a transformational trip!
Sitting in the Guggenheim, overlooking Central Park having spent an hour reminiscing my love of art, I “woke up” to one of the biggest obstacles that had been preventing me from taking actions consistent with my own purpose my entire life - I’d been putting all my effort into worrying about what other people thought of me, making sure I was doing all the things to take care of others, doing what I thought would be the 'right thing by other people, because (wait for it) I had a deep-rooted fear that if I didn’t I’d be neglected or indeed rejected!
From the age of 8, going to 6 different schools in 7 years, I’d become masterful in trying to make friends, by focussing on doing what they were doing, that I’d simply never mastered the skill of paying attention to my own needs - and how to have those needs met while still caring about my relationship with others.
No surprise I became an introvert - that’s one way to make sure you get what you need!
I came home from New York renewed; but soon discovered old habits die hard and this baby wasn’t going down without a fight.
I managed to make a year before I fell into the same pattern - focussing on others and doing what I thought would make other people happy, being overly concerned about what (I thought) other people would think and if what I said or did would piss someone off, and as a result wasn’t taking actions consistent with two of my most important values - courage and compassion.
We are creatures of habit. So you can just imagine what I did?
That’s right, I escaped.
Two weeks in isolation. No kids, no husband, no-one to nag me, no-one else to take care of, no-one else to disrupt me when I’m doing what I want, and no worrying about whether I would upset or disappoint anyone else.
I quit eating sugar, gave up alcohol, stopped watching tv, took myself off social media and with the exception of a few phone calls, I cut off all addictions - everything that was helping me escape from the underlying pain of not fulfilling on my own life’s purpose and failing at taking actions consistent with my own values.
It was an emotional roller-coaster.
Again, I came home from that trip renewed. This time with a deep level of awareness I’d never experience, clarity of purpose but more importantly clarity of my own limitations, the triggers and barriers that were preventing me - as a human being - from taking actions consistent with what I said I wanted.
It took some adjustment, but I went to work on making a lot of changes - I made sure I honoured my word with the kids discipline, I stopped putting my efforts into helping others, I caught up on all the things I’d been putting off (like taxes) and I stayed off stimulants like sugar and alcohol.
It wasn’t about changing anyone else - despite thinking it was - it was about changing the way I was reacting to what was happening around me; it was about being clear about my values and what I was doing to set myself up for failure and repeat the same old disruptive habits.
What became evident is that taking actions consistent with our purpose - our vision, values, mission and goals is not easy; but it is what gives us the strength, resilience and courage we need to overcome any obstacle and navigate any crisis in life.
In fact, it turns out that - instead of turning to work, drugs, alcohol, eating, gambling or, amongst other addictions, spending money on unnecessary possessions, holidays and luxuries - when we are 100% clear about our purpose (our vision, values, mission and goals) and 100% clear about our own disruptive habits that get in the way of us taking actions consistent with that purpose, there really is nothing that can stop us.
This really is the perfect time to be discovering your purpose.
It took me three separate occasions of being in lockdown (in isolation) to do the work. Thankfully, when we apply the lessons of those who have gone before us, it doesn’t have to be so difficult. So what are the simple things and the simple practices I discovered - that are now empowering my clients to elevate their potential and ignite their passion…
3 things you can do...
Take Good Care of Your Health - Remove Sugar & Alcohol - its not easy, but it is simple. Remember old habits die hard, so this is a game of endurance.
Try it out for 28 days and see what happens. If you’ve never done it before, be forgiving as you make adjustments and expect to go a little crazy - some call it ‘HANGRY’. If you’d like some help, join me on one of my 28 Day Challenges - surrounding yourself with others committed to the same transformation makes it easier and certainly more enjoyable.
Live A Minimalist Life - Stop spending money on unnecessary luxuries - better yet, get rid of any luxury items (like the expensive cars excess toys and devices) and donate the proceeds to charity.
Sounds easy, but again this is not as easy as you might expect. In fact, I’m pretty sure had anyone suggested I sell my luxuries as a way to discover my passion and purpose, I’d think they were a lunatic!
I sold my Audi Q7 and now drive a Toyota - I won’t get into the psychology of it, you just trust me on this one - who you’d have to become to no longer drive the Audi, BMW, Mercedes or whatever luxury car you drive - would be unrecognisable.
Identify & Define Your Values - Complete Dr John DeMartini’s ‘Determine Your Values’ assessment. The great thing about DeMartini’s assessment is that it’s not about picking a set of values you think are ‘good’, it’s about identifying the values that shape the way you actually live your life - your core values.
Our values are the foundation of our purpose - if we truly value compassion and we’re not acting with compassion towards ourselves or the people around us, its unlikely we’ll ever produce results consistent with what we say we want in business, leadership or life.
There are more certainly more activities to unpack our purpose; but this is a great start!
My best piece of advice on this one, is to never give up and always practice compassion - forgive yourself for what doesn’t work and get back on the horse!
If you get stuck and you can’t find a way through - apply the following practices - a guaranteed process for getting you out of the ordinary (current situation) and into the extraordinary (the desired future).
The A-Game: 3 simple practices ..
Acknowledgement . We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. If somethings not working, stop the action, breathe and give yourself some time to think. Ask yourself, “what’s going on that I am not paying attention to - what do I need to acknowledge - what is the thought, the feeling or action I’m taking that’s not working here?”
Accountability. We have no control over what’s happening around us, but we do have 100% control over how we respond and what we decided to do. Ask yourself “what can I do here to make change happen, instead of waiting for the roll of the dice and seeing what others will do?
Action: Nothing changes unless you take action. It sounds easy, but its not because we get stuck for days, months even years not taking action on the things we know to do (eg I want to lose weight or improve my fitness and health, but I’m not giving up drinking alcohol, life’s too short). This is a new approach to taking action - COURAGEOUS action - take action despite what you think, how you feel or what you believe.
That’s it for now…
Go forth, do the work.
Put it into practice. Discover your purpose, ignite your passion, enhance your wellbeing and produce results consistent with what you say you want.
And remember, ‘a thousand mile journey begins with one single step’. Be kind to yourself and others along the way, for everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about.
Be well,
Kylee x
